I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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