If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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