I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
