I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
