Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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