Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
