Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
