u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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