Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
