Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
