I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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