Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
