i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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