false alarm. still invincible.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize