Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
