DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
