If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
