i think my tv is drunk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
