I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
