I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
