I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
