dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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