He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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