how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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