Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
