We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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