He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??