sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...