Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'