I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We are all done wearing pants today
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes