This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
