i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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