he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
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LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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