we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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