Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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