i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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