Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.