nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
