Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize