youre lurking in front of me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
