Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
