Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
