You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you will always have a special place in my vag
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
