I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
