I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
