Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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