i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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