And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
