He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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