Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
