No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
