i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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