There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
