If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
