So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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