I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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