I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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