You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
